Built To Serve, Not To Sever.

Sometimes all it takes is a little push to experience something worthwhile.

They say you gain a bit of insight the older that you get. And it’s true. I’ll admit, I’m a massive complainer and I find myself being extremely critical of things in the heat of the moment. This quality has both served me well and also put me in a lot of hot water because being overwhelmed with negative emotion is, by most accounts just a counterproductive thing. You get boggled down by the awareness of how shitty things are and can be and end up doing pretty self-destructive things. You put yourself down and your self-worth just declines, making you jaded out and bitter about any sort of optimistic thought and positive motivation.

There was both a literal and metaphoric storm that happened yesterday. Feelings of guilt, apprehension and futility seemed to encompass everyone due to Murphy’s law rearing it’s ugly head; nothing seemed to go right and the bizarre rain-storms and violent weather seemed to get in the way of things going right. Seeds of doubt on how things were going to play out, if things were going to be alright crept into our minds like a shadowy grip clenching our spirits within its grasp.

Were we going to make it on time? What would she think? I don’t have the heart to let her down. Not the people I care about. I always pull through for the people I care about, or I try so damn hard to make sure I don’t. We were going to push through the storms and make the day ours and not give it to the torrential rain, not to the factors that are outside ourselves. What was the point? We can’t control those things. Nor would we make excuses to not go for something that may prove to be a challenge because of those outside factors. It wasn’t the question of being ambitious, but being able to answer the call of just being a decent human being.

As I sat at that movie theatre and watched my friends laugh so boisterously at the non-stop barrage of dirty jokes, it was at that moment that really honed in on the belief that life was so much more than just fulfill your own instant gratifications. I looked at the roars of laughter at the movie theatre and really reflected that I had a great time just knowing that everyone else was having a good time. My own thoughts and feelings seemed to not really matter, just as long as everyone else was alright, I was alright.

Perhaps it was this personality trait embedded in me that seemed to spark that strange phenomena of people likening me to a parent sometimes. The amount of times I’ve been at the brunt of mum jokes or being called a “motherly” figure is kind of funny. I also have the propensity to say “yes” and put myself in any situation most of the time for any possibility.

This comes into question quite a bit. “Why do you say yes to everything?” and “Why do you put others ahead of yourself?”

I don’t look at it as a way to put myself at a disadvantage for others. To assume you put others ahead, is to assume I have a penchant to serve as a martyr for things and that’s not true at all. Saying yes is the foundation of giving yourself the opportunity to being a part of something while experiencing something with the possibility of finding something worthwhile. To merely hesitate and let that hesitation control you would be eliminating those possibilities and compromise decency with those around you.

As I stared at the horizon filled with the city lights, hearing my friends chatter vivaciously, humored by dirty jokes and friendly gossip, what became more evident was the fact that every relationship you have with someone or with others is much bigger than just yourself. I had imagined a scenario of not being there, letting the storm be a reason to back away from this experience and realize that I would’ve missed something incredibly special if I had let an excuse weigh me down. And the ones that are worthwhile are the ones where you find both yourselves and the others weathering the storms and coming through for one another… Because the moment that happens, you realize that you truly care about them.

So to answer the question, I say yes because I care. And I say yes because I’m open to wanting and being more for people. And I say yes because that’s what people who care say more often than those people who don’t.

C.

 

 

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